Morgan Asked: How do I stop crying about my mom’s death?

My mother/grandmother (My mom's mom, who adopted me) passed away on june 12, 2010 of lung cancer and dementia. Tomorrow is mother's day and I was at walmart trying to pick out flowers, but I don't have a car, cant drive, and I want to go see her tomorrow at her grave in Charlotte. I live 2 towns away. Ever since earlier tonight i've thought about how I cry so much about little things. I read poems, listen to music, just think of her smile and out come the water works. Seeing everyone with their moms just makes it worse.
Everything reminds me of her and I cry almost 24/7. If I lived alone by my self that is all that I would do. Seriously, just cry. & I cant celebrate her life when I carry so many burdens I did in her last days. I did so many bad things it's not even funny. And I hate myself for that.

One time she fell when she still lived at home, and I was too busy on my computer that I didn't even get up and help her. She had to crawl to the couch herself.

And then she was taking a bath one time and wanted me to help wash her cause she couldnt do it, and when I got in the bathroom she started sobbing and saying that she hated herself and she hated what she had.

Then the first time in the hospital, before we went she said that she wouldnt spend the rest of her life in the hospital..and she did. And I made her go. Like it was bad because she'd soaked the couch in piss cause she had incompetence. It was bad. She hadnt gone number 2 in like 2 weeks and they needed to do surgery on her. and the first day in the hospital she was taking her clothes off so they could put her in the gown and i thought to myself how skinny she was and that I hated to see her naked.

The last song she heard was B.O.B's airplanes…….

And then I took her money cause I was hungry, her last 20 and spent it on pizza that I didn't even eat. And I wrecked the house and didnt clean. And she never saw the house again. And I even wanted to get emancipated from her so I could live with my boyfriend instead of my uncle and aunt who are alcoholics afterwards(I was 17). All I thought about was myself. I was so selfish.

Then the last thing she said to me was "can you do my back. It hurts" and I was like No. And then she didnt say a thing after and I left to go home, and I came back she was in a coma. Then she died that day.

And one time I came home when she was still at the house and she had lost all her hair. I hadnt seen her in like 2 weeks. (I lived with my boyfriend) and she had her pink cap on to cover her bald head. My boyfriend and I got into a fight, and thats the only reason I went there..cause he didnt want me at his house. So like I came in crying, and I wouldnt even look at her. I sat down in the living room with her and she said am i that hideous and she asked how my day was and she was saying hello. And i went in the bathroom and cried. I think she thought it was her fault..that she was hideous and it wasnt. I wish I could tell her that but I cant. And it's not fair.

And one morning when my sister was asleep I said something while looking at the laptop and she said what, and I said nothing.

And I had a dream about my birthday. How she would plan it and when everyone was there I told her that I didnt want her there and she said..Okay..and walked off.

Like I did so many bad things. And tomorrow is mother's day….

How do I get over the crying? What should I do now? This isn't normal. I'm 19 now..it's been almost 2 years. I know I was selfish, and that I did wrong in the past in her life. I just need some help and clarity. Tips maybe?

Thank you.